It’s so easy to read. So difficult to write. Easy to listen to a podcast - hard to make time for a meaningful conversation with a good friend.
I have issues with decisions - there’s something about having to make a decision, killing off an alternative option that just gives me anxiety. So I usually shelter myself with consumption - rather than put in the effort of deciding what to write about, I’ll just read a little more. Rather than schedule time to see a friend, I leave my schedule open. Just in case.
Sometimes I’ll even procrasti-clean - instead of doing something meaningful, I waste time getting myself to Inbox 0. Spoiler alert - no one who practices inbox 0 is actually productive. It’s just a distraction to make you feel productive.
For a year once, I was obsessed with growing vegetables. I researched all about them, read about all the right tools and equipment - but I never made a step towards starting growing. I ended up getting my roommate interested in it - he spent a few days reading about, got all the tools and started. He had a lot of fun doing it as I watched from the sidelines pretty damn jealous.
This is the struggle of this phase of my life - growing past my anxiety, and making decisions. Ignoring my doubts and fears, and having the courage to commit to things knowing they won’t be perfect but that’s ok. So, I’m going to slow down my consumption - because it’s a crutch. I just do it to distract myself from the anxiety of my decision making. That means reading less - unsubscribing to all my newsletters, and focusing on reading difficult works that matter rather than meaningless books as a distraction. Listening to podcasts when doing menial work sure, but not during my average day. Not reaching for twitter when I hit a frustrating problem at work, and going for a walk to think instead.
If you’re reading this and feel the same way - I give you permission to let all these things go. You’re not going to find the answer to the deep questions in the heart of your soul from someone else’s newsletter. You’re going to find them in yourself, in thinking for yourself, in writing for yourself. In making decisions for yourself and committing, despite the consequences.