This year was challenging. The first half of the year I spent in doubt. I was in a new job, and I was floundering. I had quit caffeine and was having trouble focusing without it - since I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t perform at my job. This made me anxious, and things quickly spiraled out of control.
Things changed when my uncle passed away - it woke something up in me. I realized how short life was, how I should have called him more. It was hard. I miss him and will always cherish the amazing ways he helped me become the person I am. I wish I could have told him that.
When I found out he was in the hospital I decided I would call him at the end of the day, since I was busy with work. You know how it is. By the time I tried to call later that day he had already passed away.
I’m never going to be able to change that. What I can do is know deep in my soul, how important my life is and caring for the people around me. And how work is one aspect of that life, and not something to lose myself in. A lesson I will spend my life learning.
The second half of the year was where I shined - I grew my abilities at work, my anxiety lessened and I improved my focus. I had some great times with friends - I even planned a vacation which is huge for me. Something was awoken, and I was able to attack my life with an agency that I’ve never had before.
At the end of the year I fell apart. I pushed myself too hard at work, and had to deal with the ramifications. Thank god for the holidays. I’m not going to do that again - it just doesn’t work in the long run.
I found a great community on twitter, that I appreciate so much. I’ve been more social with my friends, which is such a dream come true. I’ve found nutrition and cooking, which is going to be such an integral part of my life. I’m grateful to have found it now, rather than far too late in my life.
I’ve crystallized a lot of my philosophy and started to become confident in my view of the world.
I’m grateful to the old me - the person who attacked, who grinded, who persisted even when they were exhausted. That person got me to this point, and that person is gone now. The person I am today is wiser. I hope I will be able to say the same a year from now.
So for 2022, in no particular order:
- Explore my anxiety with an open curiosity - and extinguish it.
- Continue improving the quality of my food and my cooking ability
- Find a stable form of exercise that brings me joy
- Invest in and deepen my relationships with loved ones
- Become a life long learner at work
- Build things, experiences, and relationships